Luminous Pride

I love the photo above. I captured the image the other day along with several others, and I felt so proud of myself for capturing something so beautiful. And then…. I felt guilty and ashamed for feeling proud.

So, is it possible to be luminous and glowing AND be prideful? Why is it that pride is a dirty word… something to hide?

My thoughts are this….

In order to be luminous (read self-aware, self-esteem, self-express), one must also be proud of oneself.

Pride does not equal guilt and shame.

Pride is “a feeling of pleasure from one’s own achievements.”

Pride = Pleasure

AND

Pride = Luminosity

Be proud of all you do. Relish your roles and recognize your accomplishments each day. For the more you take pleasure in all you do, the more you will glow. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again…. luminosity, baby!

The Luminosity of hope…

The first daffodils of spring appeared on the day after I found out that my husband lost his job.

I started this post last week, but I never finished it. I kept telling myself I didn’t have the time. Yet, I could’ve found the time if I had wanted to. I think it was the title I had already given the post, The luminosity of hope, that prevented me from finishing. I saw the daffodils as I walked to my car after work, and I thought…. oh, daffodils that means hope, rebirth of Spring, to everything a season…. blah, blah, blah. I was convincing myself with cliché! Funny how that never really works. Remember how I said luminosity is about recognizing what you do know and admitting what you don’t? Well, I was not admitting that I did not really know hope. I wanted to have hope. I was searching for symbols of hope…. daffodils. Yet, I didn’t really feel hopeful. It’s scary when hope is lost, even if just for a brief bit of time. I’m writing now because I feel hope. The day after I learned he’d lost his job, I told a friend at work. Her first response was asking why I hadn’t called in sick. My old protocol would definitely have resulted in a missed day of work. Yet, I wasn’t sick…. just worried… and not willing to become sick with worry.

Yesterday I walked around campus capturing photos. The walk and sun helped, and capturing my mood with photos was healing. The flowers above represent hope to me. The flower closest is blurry, and the others at a distance are more clear. A hopeful path of flowers. Today I told others at my work that my husband had lost his job.  They were shocked at the news, and more than one said they would have never known I was going through something difficult. I learned how much I’ve grown and how I’ve got this luminosity thing. Next time hope is not quite within your grasp, glance in the mirror, and look for the spark in your eyes. Luminosity is yours no matter what.

Luminous in the face of failure….

Living a luminous life isn’t easy. The last week or two have put me to a test of sorts. There have been situations in my life that have felt overwhelming. I’ve experienced several difficult layers of life all at once, and those have touched on my identity as a professional, mom, daughter, wife, along with my sense of self. This evening, many of those situations are resolved, at least for now. Yet, I am faced with a daunting task in one area of my life. You see, I have a doctorate in psychology. I worked my ass off to obtain that degree. I am very proud of the accomplishment, but I am being held back because I failed to jump through one of the hoops necessary for being a “licensed” psychologist. I “failed to pass” the EPPP, which is the most asinine test ever created and is required for me to be a licensed psychologist, which, in turn, is necessary for me to keep my job. In April, it will have been one year since I failed.  The last time I danced with failure was in the late 80’s, and I had been in a serious automobile accident that resulted in a closed head injury. There is something about my not passing the EPPP that is reconnecting me to the feelings I had after the accident. It’s been 25 years… oddly enough the anniversary of the accident is also in April. I honestly believe there is healing left for me to do and that somehow the EPPP is part of that healing.

As I mentioned in the previous post, the purpose of this blog is to help you (and me) live a luminous life. Currently,  the convergence of knowledge and absence thereof is dinging my self-esteem. I am honestly not sure I can pass the test. I wonder if that previous head injury has permanently damaged my memory. Yet, I know I successfully defended a dissertation, obtained a doctorate, provide quality therapy on a daily basis, so……

To you I say…. there will be days or weeks or even months where you are just not sure if you have what it takes to survive, thrive, and exude luminosity. Chaos will engulf you. Doubts will vex you. Yet, connect to your essence, and you will shimmer. Trust me. Whatever “test” you are facing right now, just know that you have within you all it will take to pass, as do I. We are luminous. The tests of life do not change that.