And you.

I am so sleepy and ready for bed. I am snuggled under my down comforter even though it’s  70 degrees out. The cool breeze from the fan fills the air with a bit of a chill. My goal for writing this blog is to enhance my own and others’ luminosity in life. We are “born to shimmer… born to shine” as Shawn Mullins suggests. My world is a little discolored right now, but I know there is always a glimmer nearby. Sometimes you just have to search a little harder for it.

I see luminosity in….

Her face.

My walk into work.

The sky at sunset.

And you.

Look in the mirror. You were born to shimmer and shine.

Look around and notice all of the reminders of the luminosity within you.

Should…

I got all excited this weekend. After endless hours of watching Property Brothers on HGTV, completing an online mortgage application, and driving around scoping out the town, I actually really, truly believed that I could buy a home….soon. I got the news today that now is not the time for this to happen. A few tears ran down my cheeks and a woe-is-me attitude overwhelmed me for about 15 minutes. I have to admit that I’m still frustrated… mostly at myself. I chose my path, made some financial mistakes, have a Ph.D. to show for it, but what I want more than anything right now is a home of my own. I am not sure why this feels so incredibly important to me, but it does. It’s not like I want a fancy mansion. I yearn for a 3 bedroom, 2 bath, 2 car garage home that needs some TLC. I want to put my touch on it and have it be an outward expression of me. I want hardwood floors to dance on, stainless steel appliances, a front porch from which I can chat with neighbors, a fenced yard for my dogs, and my name on the title. It really isn’t too much to ask for, is it?

So, it’s one of those days when hopes are dashed, and I had nachos and the super-duper-large Diet Pepsi knowing full well that chips, meat, cheese, and soda are not the answer. I took a walk after the nacho feast, and it’s a gorgeous day… that helped. Yet, I’m still sad. I’m 43 years old. I really should own a home by now, right?

It is never a good idea to should on yourself…. it really isn’t. I should be thankful for the wonderful home I am renting. I should appreciate all that I do have. I should not (putting the “not” after it does “not” make it okay) be jealous of homeowners and lust after their homes. I should cowgirl up and get over it.

But, I am not. Instead, I am feeling the sadness and fighting for a glimmer of hope that one day homeowner will be a role of mine.

Shadow

I realized something yesterday afternoon as I scanned through the photos I took that morning; I am avoiding Shadow (capitalized on purpose). I want my blog to be uplifting and happy. I hope that people read what I’ve written and leave feeling better. Yet, if all I recommend is to focus on the light, then that suggests avoidance of the Shadow.

The psychiatrist Carl Jung named the denied aspects of oneself the Shadow. We all have our social mask or persona that we allow the world to see, and then there is the Shadow that we often tuck, or better yet, stuff away. Yet, the Shadow is our depth and yes, our darkness as well. The Shadow makes us whole. When ignored, it is projected onto others. Have you ever glanced at a person and had a visceral reaction? The reaction is likely very strong, negative, and blaming. You have that “ick” feeling and want to run. That’s you projecting your Shadow. Integrating the Shadow not only allows us to tame it, but also to realize its potential.  Notice to whom you are attracted and repulsed and know that if you throw your blame in their lap, that is your Shadow.

As I woke up on this dark morning to lightning outside my window, I was again reminded of light and dark… and the integration of the two. Being mindful of your Shadow is the first step. Know that we all have a dark side. We carry with us anger and love, turmoil and peace, sadness and happiness… dark and light.  The more aware you become of each and attend to the needs of each, then you can gain clarity and wellbeing.

I have been denying my Shadow. I’ve become an expert at wearing a perky and pretty mask. Through my denial, the Shadow has become stronger. I see it now, and I give it the respect it deserves. Anger, turmoil, and sadness are not who I am, they are what I am experiencing. And honestly, as I notice this, deepen my respect for those negative emotions, and allow them the space to be, I am beginning to feel them ever so slightly lift. As I lie in bed and look outside on this rainy day, I notice the dark shadows in the room and the deep, dark browns and greens of the trees…. and the light waiting beyond them.

A Luminous Morning

As I walk to work….

And others start their day too….

I smile even though I feel sad…

Because who wouldn’t smile with this scenery…

Luminosity is all around you…

Please make sure you pay attention….