And you.

I am so sleepy and ready for bed. I am snuggled under my down comforter even though it’s  70 degrees out. The cool breeze from the fan fills the air with a bit of a chill. My goal for writing this blog is to enhance my own and others’ luminosity in life. We are “born to shimmer… born to shine” as Shawn Mullins suggests. My world is a little discolored right now, but I know there is always a glimmer nearby. Sometimes you just have to search a little harder for it.

I see luminosity in….

Her face.

My walk into work.

The sky at sunset.

And you.

Look in the mirror. You were born to shimmer and shine.

Look around and notice all of the reminders of the luminosity within you.

Should…

I got all excited this weekend. After endless hours of watching Property Brothers on HGTV, completing an online mortgage application, and driving around scoping out the town, I actually really, truly believed that I could buy a home….soon. I got the news today that now is not the time for this to happen. A few tears ran down my cheeks and a woe-is-me attitude overwhelmed me for about 15 minutes. I have to admit that I’m still frustrated… mostly at myself. I chose my path, made some financial mistakes, have a Ph.D. to show for it, but what I want more than anything right now is a home of my own. I am not sure why this feels so incredibly important to me, but it does. It’s not like I want a fancy mansion. I yearn for a 3 bedroom, 2 bath, 2 car garage home that needs some TLC. I want to put my touch on it and have it be an outward expression of me. I want hardwood floors to dance on, stainless steel appliances, a front porch from which I can chat with neighbors, a fenced yard for my dogs, and my name on the title. It really isn’t too much to ask for, is it?

So, it’s one of those days when hopes are dashed, and I had nachos and the super-duper-large Diet Pepsi knowing full well that chips, meat, cheese, and soda are not the answer. I took a walk after the nacho feast, and it’s a gorgeous day… that helped. Yet, I’m still sad. I’m 43 years old. I really should own a home by now, right?

It is never a good idea to should on yourself…. it really isn’t. I should be thankful for the wonderful home I am renting. I should appreciate all that I do have. I should not (putting the “not” after it does “not” make it okay) be jealous of homeowners and lust after their homes. I should cowgirl up and get over it.

But, I am not. Instead, I am feeling the sadness and fighting for a glimmer of hope that one day homeowner will be a role of mine.

Shadow

I realized something yesterday afternoon as I scanned through the photos I took that morning; I am avoiding Shadow (capitalized on purpose). I want my blog to be uplifting and happy. I hope that people read what I’ve written and leave feeling better. Yet, if all I recommend is to focus on the light, then that suggests avoidance of the Shadow.

The psychiatrist Carl Jung named the denied aspects of oneself the Shadow. We all have our social mask or persona that we allow the world to see, and then there is the Shadow that we often tuck, or better yet, stuff away. Yet, the Shadow is our depth and yes, our darkness as well. The Shadow makes us whole. When ignored, it is projected onto others. Have you ever glanced at a person and had a visceral reaction? The reaction is likely very strong, negative, and blaming. You have that “ick” feeling and want to run. That’s you projecting your Shadow. Integrating the Shadow not only allows us to tame it, but also to realize its potential.  Notice to whom you are attracted and repulsed and know that if you throw your blame in their lap, that is your Shadow.

As I woke up on this dark morning to lightning outside my window, I was again reminded of light and dark… and the integration of the two. Being mindful of your Shadow is the first step. Know that we all have a dark side. We carry with us anger and love, turmoil and peace, sadness and happiness… dark and light.  The more aware you become of each and attend to the needs of each, then you can gain clarity and wellbeing.

I have been denying my Shadow. I’ve become an expert at wearing a perky and pretty mask. Through my denial, the Shadow has become stronger. I see it now, and I give it the respect it deserves. Anger, turmoil, and sadness are not who I am, they are what I am experiencing. And honestly, as I notice this, deepen my respect for those negative emotions, and allow them the space to be, I am beginning to feel them ever so slightly lift. As I lie in bed and look outside on this rainy day, I notice the dark shadows in the room and the deep, dark browns and greens of the trees…. and the light waiting beyond them.

A Luminous Morning

As I walk to work….

And others start their day too….

I smile even though I feel sad…

Because who wouldn’t smile with this scenery…

Luminosity is all around you…

Please make sure you pay attention….

Luminous Pride

I love the photo above. I captured the image the other day along with several others, and I felt so proud of myself for capturing something so beautiful. And then…. I felt guilty and ashamed for feeling proud.

So, is it possible to be luminous and glowing AND be prideful? Why is it that pride is a dirty word… something to hide?

My thoughts are this….

In order to be luminous (read self-aware, self-esteem, self-express), one must also be proud of oneself.

Pride does not equal guilt and shame.

Pride is “a feeling of pleasure from one’s own achievements.”

Pride = Pleasure

AND

Pride = Luminosity

Be proud of all you do. Relish your roles and recognize your accomplishments each day. For the more you take pleasure in all you do, the more you will glow. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again…. luminosity, baby!

The Luminosity of hope…

The first daffodils of spring appeared on the day after I found out that my husband lost his job.

I started this post last week, but I never finished it. I kept telling myself I didn’t have the time. Yet, I could’ve found the time if I had wanted to. I think it was the title I had already given the post, The luminosity of hope, that prevented me from finishing. I saw the daffodils as I walked to my car after work, and I thought…. oh, daffodils that means hope, rebirth of Spring, to everything a season…. blah, blah, blah. I was convincing myself with cliché! Funny how that never really works. Remember how I said luminosity is about recognizing what you do know and admitting what you don’t? Well, I was not admitting that I did not really know hope. I wanted to have hope. I was searching for symbols of hope…. daffodils. Yet, I didn’t really feel hopeful. It’s scary when hope is lost, even if just for a brief bit of time. I’m writing now because I feel hope. The day after I learned he’d lost his job, I told a friend at work. Her first response was asking why I hadn’t called in sick. My old protocol would definitely have resulted in a missed day of work. Yet, I wasn’t sick…. just worried… and not willing to become sick with worry.

Yesterday I walked around campus capturing photos. The walk and sun helped, and capturing my mood with photos was healing. The flowers above represent hope to me. The flower closest is blurry, and the others at a distance are more clear. A hopeful path of flowers. Today I told others at my work that my husband had lost his job.  They were shocked at the news, and more than one said they would have never known I was going through something difficult. I learned how much I’ve grown and how I’ve got this luminosity thing. Next time hope is not quite within your grasp, glance in the mirror, and look for the spark in your eyes. Luminosity is yours no matter what.

Luminous in the face of failure….

Living a luminous life isn’t easy. The last week or two have put me to a test of sorts. There have been situations in my life that have felt overwhelming. I’ve experienced several difficult layers of life all at once, and those have touched on my identity as a professional, mom, daughter, wife, along with my sense of self. This evening, many of those situations are resolved, at least for now. Yet, I am faced with a daunting task in one area of my life. You see, I have a doctorate in psychology. I worked my ass off to obtain that degree. I am very proud of the accomplishment, but I am being held back because I failed to jump through one of the hoops necessary for being a “licensed” psychologist. I “failed to pass” the EPPP, which is the most asinine test ever created and is required for me to be a licensed psychologist, which, in turn, is necessary for me to keep my job. In April, it will have been one year since I failed.  The last time I danced with failure was in the late 80’s, and I had been in a serious automobile accident that resulted in a closed head injury. There is something about my not passing the EPPP that is reconnecting me to the feelings I had after the accident. It’s been 25 years… oddly enough the anniversary of the accident is also in April. I honestly believe there is healing left for me to do and that somehow the EPPP is part of that healing.

As I mentioned in the previous post, the purpose of this blog is to help you (and me) live a luminous life. Currently,  the convergence of knowledge and absence thereof is dinging my self-esteem. I am honestly not sure I can pass the test. I wonder if that previous head injury has permanently damaged my memory. Yet, I know I successfully defended a dissertation, obtained a doctorate, provide quality therapy on a daily basis, so……

To you I say…. there will be days or weeks or even months where you are just not sure if you have what it takes to survive, thrive, and exude luminosity. Chaos will engulf you. Doubts will vex you. Yet, connect to your essence, and you will shimmer. Trust me. Whatever “test” you are facing right now, just know that you have within you all it will take to pass, as do I. We are luminous. The tests of life do not change that.

A Luminous Life

It was a day like any other day when my alarm went off this morning… got ready to the sounds of Madison’s radio, packed her lunch, let the dogs out, hurried out the door,  and drove her to school. Yet, as I pulled up in the drop-off lane at the school, I realized that this was the last day that Madison would go to school as a pre-teen. She turns 13 tomorrow. Tears fill my eyes as I type this. This feels like a huge milestone for both her and me. I feel a little selfish focusing on me when it is, after all, her milestone. Yet, becoming the mom of a teenager is hitting me in my ways that I didn’t expect. It’s a new era of our relationship and one I fear a little. We are so close, and I expect that to continue. Yet, I know it will have its ebbs and flows. I’m not sure I’m ready for the ebbs. And so, maybe that’s why today is the day I write my first blog that is published for the world to see. It’s more important than ever that I have a life I love, so that I won’t meddle in hers too much, or live vicariously through her, and also so that I model for her creating a life… a luminous life.

As I drove off from the school, my radio was blaring Journey’s “Oh Sherrie.” I was a freshmen in high school when that song was popular, just a little older than Madison. I can recall really, truly, honestly believing I knew everything there was to know. I can remember thinking that my parents were silly for even having an inkling that they knew more than me. I’m not sure where along the way I began to doubt my worldly knowledge. I know that now, at almost 43 years old, I sometimes think I know absolutely nothing.

To me, living a luminous life is about owning what you know, admitting what you don’t, and continually growing in and appreciating your self-awareness, self-expression, and self-esteem.

So, yes, it is all about me…. and you. For the more we connect with ourselves, the more we have to share with others, and the greater the light in our lives… luminosity, baby!

Welcome to… A Luminous Life